#11 How To Process Grief, Minimize Your Pain, and Maximize Your Healing
Powered by RedCircle
Have you ever experienced grief?
Or, if you’re like I was for the vast majority of your life and you ignore your feelings, maybe you haven’t experienced the actual emotion of grief, but;
Have you ever had a major loss, like a pet, a grandparent, a parent, a job, etc?
If so, me too, and I’m sorry.
Grief is a motherf*cker. There’s no way around it.
If you stuff it down, or try to just move forward by pulling on your bootstraps, it hides really well, but it doesn’t go away on its own.
It can manifest with anger, depression, a lack of joy, anxiety, physical symptoms, and all sorts of other destruction in your life.
Death is such an uncomfortable topic, that we rarely talk about how to feel those feelings, process, and heal.
But unfortunately, it comes for all of us and/or our loved ones sooner or later.
The only way out is through, so it’s best to have some tools in our toolbelt to help us cope and carry on.
In today’s episode of The Grit, Growth & Gratitude Podcast, I share one of the most powerful exercises that you can do to heal your heart after a loss.
As I’m currently processing some grief from the death of my Mom a few months ago, I also share a specific real-life example of how exactly I’m using this tool currently to work through that in a healthy way.
If you’ve had a broken heart or a broken dream, you’re not alone.
Let’s Connect!
For more bite-sized happiness tips, follow me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thejoespector
Resources to increase your inner peace and maximize your happiness:
Download my free mental & emotional fitness eBook, Your Guide to Grit Growth & Gratitude: https://www.thejoespector.com/opt-in
Check out my free meditations to shut off the monkey mind and crank up the good vibes: https://www.thejoespector.com/meditations
MORE FREE STUFF ALERT!
I’d be so grateful if you would follow, rate, and review this podcast. It’s the best way to help us grow our show and connect with people who can benefit from this content.
Email me a screenshot of your review to joe@thejoespector.com (or DM on IG), and I’ll send you some free super dope stickers! You can check them out here: https://www.thejoespector.com/merchandise
Episode #11 Transcription
What's up, friends Joe here,
And we are right in the middle of a series on beefing up your emotional intelligence muscles, which is mission critical in order for you to thrive and be happy.
and so far we've learned how to not only be super aware of, but how to turn the volume down on repetitive, unhelpful thoughts and amplified negative emotions.
And in the last few episodes, I shared exercises that you can do right away in the heat of the moment if you're feeling stressed, worried, angry, or otherwise overwhelmed. But today's exercise is different. You're not gonna do it when you're feeling particularly. It's like a workout that you plan ahead of time and you're going to heal, but it's gonna be hard.
And before I get into it, I have to throw out a huge disclaimer. Please listen to me carefully on this one. I'm no expert, counselor, therapist, psychologist, or anything like that. I am a retired firefighter who struggled with and conquered grief, P T S D, depression and suicidal ideations, and this exercise was pivotal in me finding my joy and healing and getting back to the good vibes.
So I feel obliged to. But trauma is very tricky and grief is exceptionally painful, , so while I want to create awareness and empower you to do these exercises on your own at home, I also want to encourage you, especially if you're struggling with serious grief, trauma, emotional difficulties, or mental health struggles to seek the help that you need.
And if you're really hurting or struggling and you still want to do these exercises, Consider doing them in conjunction with traditional counseling or therapy, which again is not me, and know this. You have had challenging experiences and rough circumstances. And you deserve to heal from those and to not let them hold you back from feeling the good vibes.
But when you're healing from grief and trauma, the only way out is through. And when you're walking through it, it is like fire. You kind of have to relive it and you re-experience it, and you have to feel the pain in order to heal the pain. And I'll get into the details of how we're gonna do that in a.
But I just wanted to prepare you for that and to also say that not only do I swear in this episode, but we talk about trauma, so it's not appropriate for kids. That being said, how do we heal from grief, trauma, and pain? Well, it's not easy, and there's not a one size fits all solution to. . But today I'm gonna be sharing what was the most powerful tool for me in my healing and my recovery, in hopes that it has the same effect on you, and that is expressive writing in the form of letters.
And this is gonna sound weird, uncomfortable, and maybe even silly on the surface. , because we don't write letters these days. We text message. Right?
And also, and hang with me on this because I'm gonna be asking you to write letters to deceased loved ones or younger versions of yourself.
And I know how kooky that sounds, but don't get it twisted and do not underestimate how powerful this tool is for helping you feel good. Because our challenging experiences get stored up in the mind and the body, even if you think you've moved past them, if you didn't process and release them properly.
You actually haven't. And they can manifest with chronic pain, stress, anxiety, addiction, depression, anger, or they can be hanging out underneath the surface and you're not even aware that they're still there, but they're turning down the volume on your hope, your happiness, joy, optimism, all the good vibes that make life worth living.
And before I share the how-to on this, I want to illustrate this point by playing you a small excerpt from an interview that I did in episode number five of this podcast. I was talking to my cousin Mike, and he lost his mom when he was 12 to a really ugly battle with cancer, and I was sharing with him how this tool was so monumental in my healing, but I had no idea that he had utilized this tool too, and that it was a game changer for his radical transformation to happiness.
And so listen to this.
I do those grief letters pretty regularly.
The first time I went into counseling, grandma Margaret, our grandma had died and my dog Roxy had died within five days of each other. They both died. Mm-hmm. And it was fucked up, dude. And I was like sitting there trying to write grandma's eulogy. Roxy wasn't at my feet, I was just hurting so bad. And I got into counseling and he had me write letters to Sean, my friend who'd passed away of an overdose, my dog, Roxy, our our grandma, and write these letters.
And again, dude, everybody is very resistant to this practice until they do it. But like these grief letters, they're like, fire dude. And it's like fucking walking through 'em. It's so painful. But it's also like such an amazing way. To, I don't wanna say have closure, but reconcile and process those feelings and you have to walk through it and feel it to heal it and to experience that pain.
It's very, very painful. It's very uncomfortable. But then you read 'em, and then I, sometimes I still do them by the way. Like I, you know, I, I've written a few of these letters to my mom just recently, and I read them. I look at pictures of her and I read these letters until I either can't tolerate the tears anymore until there are no more tears to cry.
And then I feel a thousand pounds lighter for weeks. I mean, it's amazing. So it's very much like, It sucks doing it, but it's incredible. And I think a lot of people, they think they've processed their trauma or their grief, but then you ask 'em like, oh, what did you do when your dad died? How did you process that?
And they're like, oh, I don't know. I just kinda like moved on. It's like, no, man, that shit's in there, bro. And it's stored the fuck up and you gotta get it out. And I'd like to walk through with you on this, but it's, it's painful. Like for my fireman friends out there, c p r on a baby while a dad is watching crying, that shit doesn't go away.
And there's lots of different ways of doing it, but I have found that writing those expressive writing letters and reading them out loud and then different ways, some people burn 'em, some people keep 'em, whatever, delete the document. But like, dude, it's powerful, man. I thought it was some hokey, you know, bullshit to be honest, until I did it.
And I can't explain exactly what happened, but what it feels like when I think about it now. Was I, when I used to think about my mom, it would be negative emotions would come in and I, my brain would kind of think of it as like some unresolved problem or something. And after I did the letter, it was like my brain had released that problem and say, that's not a problem for us anymore.
We don't have to wrestle within, struggle about and think about it much. It's just, it's gone. We let it go now. It was a weird like letting go kind of thing. It refiles it like on your computer, like it puts it into, it's not gone. Of course your mom still died. That's never not painful and terrible, but it doesn't need to be a thing that is consciously or subconsciously harming you or weighing you down anymore even though it's still there.
Exactly. And now when I think about her, I just, I, it's more neutral or I think about good things that sh you know, I remember about. I don't think about like, oh, death and how horrible she looked and how, oh, that's so, it was so unfair to me that, you know, that happened and, and all this, you know, negative, you know, stuff now it's just, just, uh, it doesn't bother me when I think about her.
And some people will say, oh, that's cuz more time had passed. But man, that's not what, what it was. Cuz this has been, uh, you know, it's like 20 years before I wrote that letter. So it's weird how the body keeps the score and that stuff doesn't go away either until you do that. It has to go, doesn't, it's really weird.
I still, what I find is sometimes with these deep losses, I'm good for a while and then I see a picture and all of a sudden, instead of it being a fond memory, the tears or the pain start coming again. And then it's time for me to write a new letter and then I, I go back to the practice. I don't like it.
It's always, I procrastinate it. Like I know I need to do it, but then I sit down and I do it and it's so powerful and it keeps me feeling light and happy, you know? And it, for sure, it helps me, um, like you said, maintain that ability to watch a video of my lost loved one and smile rather than cry and that's so beautiful, dude.
Mm-hmm. Yeah, it's, it's amazing.
Okay, so we know that this is a powerful tool. How do we do it? Well, first of all, this is what works for me. Use your discretion. Get a counselor if needed. Please don't fuck around with trauma, but here's what's worked for me. Make sure that you have a safe space where you can be alone for 30 minutes to an hour.
It really fucks this up. If somebody interrupts you, then talk to yourself. I know that sounds crazy, but tell yourself this is not the real trauma. We're going through this again, so that we can release it and heal it. You're safe. This is okay, and I can stop at any time I want. Then figure out what letter you wanna write.
And for everybody, this is gonna be different, but here's a few examples. So I'm raising a special needs kiddo, so I've written letters to her telling her how hard her childhood was and how sorry I am. I've written letters to myself as I was waiting for her to be delivered. That was like, dude, You have no idea what you're in store for and you can survive it, but I'm so sorry you went through it.
I've written letters to my dead dogs. I write letters to my mom who passed away recently. Think about where you were hurt and where you would like to offer healing words and get creative. Then choose the best method for you. And this will require some experimenting. Some people like old school paper to pin other people like typing.
I actually like doing it on a voice recorder or like a Google Doc where I'm voice to typing because I'm very verbal. So you're gonna have to experiment. Sometimes you'll do this letter and it will be like not powerful at all. It won't offer up any healing. And other times you'll be like getting dragged to the bottom of the ocean and then you'll feel 10,000 pounds.
Like I said, there's no one size fits all and you're gonna have to experi. Then take a deep breath, clear your mind, and just sit down and communicate. Speak to yourself with your raw, authentic journal voice that I introduced you to last episode. It can be gritty. It can be selfish, it can be self-pitying, it can be immature.
It's not necessarily your true north rational adult voice. It's like your raw, emotional hurt, inner child, inner teenage voice, or it's like your reparenting voice. Like sometimes, like I said, I talk to myself. I am so sorry, but you're about to go through this like with deep empathy and if this exercise starts walking you through your trauma and pulling the feels out, set a timer and do no more than 20 minutes.
That's maximum. You can definitely overdo this and burn yourself out with reposing yourself to trauma if you push too hard. And so when you're done writing your letter, you think the hard part's over. But now you're gonna read the letter out loud. And even if the writing portion wasn't very emotional, for me personally, this is where the big feels come out.
And I just start bawling and I'm experienced at this, so I know my limits. So I'll read those letters until I can't cry anymore, until I'm suitably healed. But start slow. If it's painful for you, maybe just read the first paragraph and come back to it another day. And so at this point, you've decided your topic you wanna write on and who's receiving your letter?
You set your intention and talk to yourself. You set a timer, you wrote your letter, and then you read your letter. Now it's definitely time to take care of yourself and. Because even if you're a gritty warrior or you're like a super bubbly optimist and you don't think this has hurt you very badly, you're sustaining damage even on a subconscious level, and your nervous system is most likely gonna be activated.
So when you're all done, you're gonna do a 10 minute loving kindness meditation, and there's a million different ways to meditate. Sometimes I just put my hand on my heart for like five or 10 minutes and I say, you're safe. You already experienced and survived that. You're okay. And I breathe and I relax.
If you want a guided meditation, I have a deep rest nervous system reset meditation, and I'll link it in the show notes. That's a good one to follow up with. Or hit up loving kindness meditation on YouTube. But what you really want to do is tell your brain, tell your body, tell your nervous system. I just walked through some fire.
It was very painful. It was for our own healing, and now we're done. And you're safe and you're loved, and you've survived, and it's okay. And so before we close out today,
Because I want you to heal, and I really want you to understand this method. I'm just gonna be super vulnerable and authentic and share with you. One of the recent letters that I wrote. I get rid of them. I didn't mention this, but it's a safe practice to delete them when you're done. But I'll recap the gist of it.
So, my mom died a few months ago after a really brutal battle with dementia, and I was able to grieve and process in a really healthy way, Largely in part to writing these letters and being super in tune with my emotions and knowing these techniques. But recently I was looking at my daughter and.
I saw my mom, she looked so much like her, and instead of feeling happy, I started feeling so sad. And so I cleared the schedule and I sat down to write a letter and I was like, hi mommy, I miss you so much. And I was dancing with Sophie the other day, and I swear, I was looking at you and she misses you so much and.
You were the only person who was super physically affectionate with her. And I try, but it's just not the same. And I, I know she ,,misses just you doted on her and that you never were harsh with her. And she has been sharing with me a lot lately how much she misses that, and I miss it too. You know, I don't have a big head and I don't need to be told how amazing and smart and handsome I am.
But every time I saw you, you just repeatedly told ,me those things and nobody else tells me those things. And, uh, I didn't realize how much it meant to me at the time, but it, it felt so good. And, um, I miss that, and so thank you for that and I just miss you. I'm really, really sorry for all the, the pain and the, the struggle you went through with your illness and.
I'm sorry that you don't get to be here to see my kids milestones. And thank you for everything that you gave to us and I love you, and obviously I'm not reading from the letter. I don't have it here, but doing this here in front of you was a good opportunity for me to share with you. It's important to regularly do these things because when I sat down to record this episode, I felt great and I wasn't even thinking about my mom.
But that stuff is in there and so be vulnerable, be raw, do it in a safe way with help if you need to. but pull those feelings out. Process and experience them, and. Feel the healing weight being lifted off of your shoulders. And if you're in a position where you need to do these exercises like I am, and you've had a lot of loss and pain, I just wanna share with you that I'm here with you and the struggle is real.
And you are not alone, but you are a warrior and you can endure. And I think that's a good stopping point for today. I hope this exercise serves you well and helps you heal in your journey. And speaking of healing in your journey, before you head out the door entirely, I'd really like to ask you to download my free ebook.
It's got a bunch of really effective exercises. Some of 'em are challenging like this, but others are easy to do and they are all designed to maximize your happiness. Other than that, with my stuffy nose from crying those tears, all I have to say is thank you so much for listening. Stay calm and stay strong.
Peace.
